On the way home from soccer, the girls and I were talking about school and when they would go to college. The conversation ended something like this:
Paige: So you went to college to be a mom?
Me: Well, they don't really teach how to be a mom in college?
Paige: So they just didn't teach you anything?
Not exactly, but some day's it sure feels that way! Take today for example. The morning started with Paige refusing to get in the van because she didn't feel well. By the time I convinced her to move, Emerson had not only stepped in dog poop but had smeared it all over his socks and jeans. After a quick cleaning of the shoes and grabbing extra clothes to clean the boy up, we left for school only to realize that I had failed to feed anyone breakfast. Lovely. Paige hates breakfast, so she was not disappointed to be missing a meal, but my Brooklyn is a Farmers Platter kind of girl and Emerson was already begging for a drink. Starbucks to the rescue!
Fast forward to four o'clock when I realize that Adam left Paige's soccer cleats on the back deck after cleaning them. Practice starts in two hours and we need them dried. I had been told to stuff them with newspaper to help absorb the water. Paige did a superb job of stuffing, but I thought we could speed things up a bit more. I pulled out the hair dryer and told her to give it a go. Two minutes later she is standing by my side saying that she is very sorry but she got the hair dryer too close and the newspaper is shrinking down. Half way to the bathroom she mentions that their is smoke. Was there ever! If I soak the cleat I will be back to square one, so I risk burnt fingers and dig away. Disaster averted. For now.
Two hours later we are finally ready to head to practice and the soccer ball that had been sitting next to our front door for two days is suddenly missing. I don't if I should blame the wind or a thief but it is gone. We searched the yard, the garage, and the house. Nothing. I spent the fifteen minute car ride convincing an idealist 7 year old that this would not ruin her practice. During which there would be 50 mph winds of 37 degree air pounding my ear drums incessantly. I had nothing. It was miserable.
When the hour was finally up and everyone ready to leave, the sliding door to the van will not unlock. During my attempts to unstick the lock, Paige slams the door locking my keys inside. Fantastic. A quick call to my mom and my brother (who just move home yesterday) is on his way with my spare key. Fifteen more minutes. I can do this. Then both girls announce that they need to potty and it cannot wait. We are standing outside an elementary school at 7:30pm. There is no where to go....but outside. Of course.
There is no degree, class, book, theory or experience that prepares you for what motherhood has in store.